Being vulnerable

When I was a child my mom would always tell me to stop crying and to be strong.

This led to me growing up and not wanting to always express my feelings or sometimes not knowing how to.

I would think to myself ,” Am I being a Debbie downer by sharing this ? Why can’t I just be happy and cheery all the time like others? Why do I have to be the sensitive one? Am I not trusting God because I feel this way ?”

Recently, I was practicing a future conversation in my head. I knew eventually I would have to be open and vulnerable about how I was feeling ,so I was practicing just in case what I would say.(Don’t judge me you have probably practiced conversations in your head before !! Lol)

As I was practicing what I would say I felt like the Holy Spirit said ,”If you’re going to share how you are  feeling you  have to be completely honest and not just reveal partial truth.”

 For example it is easy to say, “ I am struggling with something and it is hard.” compared to being specific and saying “ I am struggling with not feeling good enough and it is hard.”

I took this statement and continued on with my day.

A couple of days later I was in a dance class and the teacher shared part of her testimony ,she then had each of us share things that were in our hearts that day. I of course said “ something” but didn’t give exact details. At that moment the teacher said,”Well Giselle will be more open next time”. In that moment I was reminded of what the Holy Spirit told me about being vulnerable. So I decided to share !!

Once I shared I felt so silly for not saying it in the first place. It was really not a big deal at all ! I was honestly just feeling sad that day about still being single.

Sometimes the enemy makes us feel that things we are going through are embarrassing or that as a Christian you shouldn’t have certain feelings because, “You should be mature by now”. As I shared, she said she was actually thinking about the same situation concerning me that same evening. She said ,” Wow. On my way home from work I was actually thinking about if I knew someone for you because you are a nice girl” I was shocked !! But at the same time I wasn’t too shocked because God always shows me that he sees me. As I always say I am his baby girl.

There I learned the power to be vulnerable in a safe place. I could’ve even missed my blessing. Haha

I recently re-read the story of Hannah. Hannah had a long desire to have a child to the point that she was in the temple crying!!!!!!!! Crying so much that the priest Eli thought she was drunk. When he approached her , she was open and honest to express that she was in deep grief. She did not brush it off and perhaps say she had a stomachache or it was something small. She was honest and as a return the priest blessed her and encouraged her to go in peace because God would answer her. The next morning she worshiped God again and was intimate with her husband. Then the Lord remembered her and made her deepest heart desire (a child) come to pass.

1 Samuel 10-19

10 In her deep anguish Hannah prayed to the Lord, weeping bitterly. 11 And she made a vow, saying, “Lord Almighty, if you will only look on your servant’s misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the Lord for all the days of his life, and no razor will ever be used on his head.”

12 As she kept on praying to the Lord, Eli observed her mouth. 13 Hannah was praying in her heart, and her lips were moving but her voice was not heard. Eli thought she was drunk 14 and said to her, “How long are you going to stay drunk? Put away your wine.”

15 “Not so, my lord,” Hannah replied, “I am a woman who is deeply troubled. I have not been drinking wine or beer; I was pouring out my soul to the Lord. 16 Do not take your servant for a wicked woman; I have been praying here out of my great anguish and grief.”

17 Eli answered, “Go in peace, and may the God of Israel grant you what you have asked of him.”

18 She said, “May your servant find favor in your eyes.” Then she went her way and ate something, and her face was no longer downcast.

19 Early the next morning they arose and worshiped before the Lord and then went back to their home at Ramah. Elkanah made love to his wife Hannah, and the Lord remembered her. 20 So in the course of time Hannah became pregnant and gave birth to a son. She named him Samuel,[b] saying, “Because I asked the Lord for him.”

I’m not a theologian but what if Hannah had been dishonest and brushed off the fact that she was in aguish and grief. I wonder could she have missed the blessing Eli had pronounced over her?

From this story I learned it’s okay to cry. It’s okay to have moments of grief.It’s okay to be in distress at times but you have to cry with a revelation. Hannah wasn’t just crying to cry she cried in front of the Lord, she was in the temple. In your moments of distress don’t try to be a strong Christian but take it to the Lord. Then when someone you trust comes along be open and vulnerable to share your frustration.

You never know if your confession is the last key that God needs to unlock your miracle !!

By his grace,

Giselle Parris