Right now as I start writing this it is 6:45 am..
I know they always say when you can’t sleep at night maybe God is trying to speak to you. I truly believe this is the reason why I’m up because lately I have not been spending as much time with the Lord as I should. It’s as if I’m scared of conviction or I’m scared of what he’ll say and also lately it feels as a task. How did I get here?
Yesterday was December 30th and around 11 something at night , it finally hit me that in 2 days it would be 2016. 2016?! This is the year that I graduate!It finally felt real for the first time ever.. Although I have many things planned (in my head) that are exciting for this year and that I look forward to doing, I started to feel extremely extremely anxious. I hadn’t spend actual time reading the word that day so right before I went to sleep , I read a little and then I wrote in my journal and here I am now. Awake ,trying to write a blog..
I love writing but some where at the end of this year, I felt like it kind of wasn’t for me anymore. I would write stuff and never post it, or post stuff but barely share that I had posted it on my blog. Was I ashamed? Was I scared of someone criticizing my life? Scrutinizing my grammar? What happened? I honestly don’t know. It’s like I suddenly was scared to be transparent. I also kept convincing myself that I wasn’t a nice person in real life sometimes.. So,I shouldn’t post until I got my life together so I could be the same person online and in real life. Well if that’s the case I guess I would never be able to blog ever again because I wont have it together and be PERFECT (like I think others are ) until I’m in heaven.
Aahhhh.. The things the enemy will have you believe.
Well as the year ends, I’m sitting here now 7:04 am reflecting on the past year. 2015 went by so fast, it was just May like a month ago. This year was really a year of GROWTH like no other. I’ve ever written in my journal as much as I have this year.
But the most important thing that I learned this year (and I guess I’ve been forgetting lately) is that Everything I need, I can find it in God’s presence. My JOY, my PEACE, my STRENGTH, my IDENTITY, LOVE, AFFIRMATION, SECURITY , EVERYTHING. When I try to find these things in humans, in my achievements, in my self .. I fail , I fail miserably and it hurts soooo badly.“Don’t put your trust in mere humans. They are as frail as breath. What good are they?” Isaiah 2:22
Nothing and no one can do the things my father in heaven does for me.Like do we understand what it means that God is our father? A parent loves their child wants the best for them, protects them , disciplines them.All because he loves them. “And have you forgotten the encouraging words God spoke to you as his children? He said,“My child,don’t make light of the Lord’s discipline,and don’t give up when he corrects you.For the Lord disciplines those he loves,and he punishes each one he accepts as his child.”Hebrew 12:6
And yes I know some of you may not have had that love from a parent or even both parents and that is unfortunate but just know that you are loved and cared for by the creator of the universe. That he formed you , took his time making you and that you are not a mistake , you have so much purpose.“You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb.Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.You saw me before I was born.Every day of my life was recorded in your book.Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.How precious are your thoughts about me, O God.They cannot be numbered! “Psalms 139:13-17
“I knew you before I formed you in your mother’s womb. Before you were born I set you apart and appointed you as my prophet to the nations.” Jeremiah 1:5
Yea, just had to say that felt like maybe someone had to read that. .
But yes , back to my year , I’m also learning to love me all of me. Learning to love the good parts and the extremely ugly parts. And to be honest it’s so hard sometimes!! Its difficult because I see how I would like to be and then I see how I am now and I’m like Eehhh. Why am I not like this? Why am I not like that? Why am I not like her? This has actually been my struggle for the past 2 weeks since I’ve been done with finals. I’m like ,”I’m so sensitive , emotional , my face is breaking out , I’m skinny, can’t get my eyebrows on fleek like everyone else..
Ugh..Why are we so hard on ourselves?
I went shopping last week the day after Christmas and I figured buying makeup and new clothes were going to make me feel better, but it didn’t. LOL
Maybe in the moment in the fitting room it did. But when I got home I was the same girl when I looked in the mirror… So that brings me back to my point 1 , “ Everything I need is found in God’s presence” . Don’t get me wrong it’s a great thing to work on yourself and go shopping and all these other things. But if you are trying to feel better about yourself through these things you’ll fail!! Remind yourself that you are good enough and attractive through God’s word and what you believe on the inside will manifest on the outside.
“Don’t be concerned about the outward beauty of fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes. You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God. 5This is how the holy women of old made themselves beautiful. They put their trust in God and accepted the authority of their husbands.”1 peter 3: 3-5
Oh and my little heart, yes a year ago I wrote on my first post about how love was scary. It still is at times , but learning to give my heart to God over and over and over. God reminded me one day that he created the entire universe .So, if he made something so beautiful and perfect he can create a beautiful love story and he doesn’t need our help. Also , that no one even if he is sent by God himself , will not satisfy me/ complete me the way God can. But yes, I’m so over this love topic just to be honest. But it wouldn’t be an honest post if I didn’t include that in what I learned this year.
And last thing that I was reminded of this year, is that when God looks at us he smiles and when he speaks to us it is in a loving tone. (Don’t abuse it obviously ) But maybe by understanding how much God loves us it will help us to love ourselves. Also that no matter how badly I mess up or try to run away he is always waiting for me to come back to him with open arms. Read Luke 15:11-32.
But yes, but besides these things I had a great a year. Like I really have a blessed life. This year God really moved in my life, well he always does.. I guess this year I was just more aware. He provided food when I didn’t have enough, provided money when I didn’t have enough ( blog about that another day hopefully) like he really tested my faith like REALLY but then provided for me in the perfect timing. Like I’ve said before , sometimes God waits to answer prayers until the time he is most glorified.
Wow, just thinking back God is really good father. Don’t let your surrounding circumstances tell you other wise. The same God you read about in the bible is the same one that is in control of your life. It’s not just a story its real stuff !!
But yes , just want to encourage you for the new year. Trust God and seek him. I will say it again everything you need is in his presence. Find worship songs, pray before you open the bible, go to church, pray for godly friends,do whatever you have to do in order to get closer to God. You wont regret it. Your grades, job, your Bae, achievements nothing can’t satisfy you like God can.
“Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the LORD will personally go ahead of you. He will be with you; he will neither fail you nor abandon you.” Deutoronmy 31:8
“He will cover you with his feathers.he will shelter you with his wings.his faithful promises are your armor and protection” Psalms 91:4
Love you ,
Giselle Parris
The Apple of God’s Eye.. 